all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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