don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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