Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
