just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
