Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
