where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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