The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
