Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
