She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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