bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They are going to name an STD after you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Two words: nipple clamps
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