Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
