discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
