Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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