I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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