ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
