there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
