you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
