Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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