M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
