i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
