Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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