I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize