Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
