I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
