totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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