Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
