that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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