I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
