I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
