Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
this will be a night to untag.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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