I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
