I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i've created a new STD.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
