Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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