I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize