I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
