woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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