sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
