So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
