our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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