i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
