I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
