Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
