You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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