I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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