I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
