Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He did a backflip because drugs
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