I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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