I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
