Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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