I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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