How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
