Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
