and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
