Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
