I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
